Total Lost... Total Gonner!

Well, I was downloading all three seasons of GLEE in 48hours non-stop using my laptop and it crashed! Guess what happen? All of the three seasons gone. On top of all that, my whole two years of writing and work all gone with it. My poems which I have neatly formed in a manuscript also gone. It was devastating! However, I take it that I should start over. It was my mistake and I should learn from it. Therefore, lesson learnt. I really don't know how else to say it. I am just speechless...

Poems

Well, just a short announcement...
I will be posting almost all the poems that I have up in my sleeves so, just keep track okay... =)

To My Dearest You

My dear, for years I have

Given my heart to you.

I decided that, there

Will only be you and no one else.

No one apart from you

Shall I ever dream of.

I would live everyday

Just to own your gaze.

It didn’t matter to me

Of how my day would end;

As the presence of you

Have completed every second.

My dear, you have no clue

Of how much you meant to me.

You have no clue, of what

The absence of you have done to me.

Every breath you take,

Gives me hope to live.

Every step you take,

Leaves a permanent trail.

Even if my world comes to an end,

I will not worry! Because,

I know. Only I know,

That my love for you is ever endless.

But, have you ever realized?

No! you just left me standing

All on my own, without a clue

Of what has changed between us.

Then, I realized something,

An awkward feeling in my chest.

The feeling grew and grew dashingly

That my eyes started to bleed.

I knew then, that

I’ve lost you for good.

My days are just passing by swiftly,

Like a novel only of blank pages.

I cried like a baby, Everyday!

Seeking for the answers, for your actions

And still, I couldn’t believe that

You left me for someone else.

My dear, I promise you that

Even if you’re gone,

You will remain the only one

I will ever love and keep loving.

You’ll be my only universe,

You’ll be my only dream,

You’ll be my only spirit, and

You’ll be my only sole reason to live.

I will forgive you my dear, and

I will try to forget.

It wouldn’t be easy, but

I have to keep moving.

With or without you,

I have to travel my journey.

With or without you,

I have to reach my destination.

I love you,

Always and forever.

I love you,

For as long as time runs.

(Well I wrote this a couple of years ago it had been shared on FB by someone I know for his gf ... I really didn't think he would do that but, he did... this poem is actually written for him anyways...however,  I'm not going to fret about this... I just want to share it to the world now... )

Fit before, Fat now? How?

I had a random conversation with my mom and my brothers and the question about weight came up and I told them, "I've never been thin my entire life and so I don't know how it feels like to be thin."
Then they tell me that, I have been thin before... In my head, I was like; "WTF?!!!! Then why the hell did you call me FAT earlier.. I could have maintained that bloody weight and size...  and could have looked super hot today!"

Look, I am not going to spend my time blaming the whole world for how I look today... it is no use... nothing is going to change. I just want to let something out... that's all.

All my life, throughout my childhood, teen years and even now I've always received comments saying that I am fat, obese and overweight from everybody and especially my family. My self-esteem is as low as it can be and I live my life pretending to be a confident and strong person. When ever I realize that I am pretending, I turn to food for comfort. I pretend like I don't care about how I look or how much I weigh but there are just certain times when reality keep slapping me on my face showing me how much I despise to look at myself in the mirror whenever I go shopping or sit beside girls smaller than me. Reality shows me how much I hate myself for looking the way I look. Now, that was not a nice feeling to carry with me all my life.

Right now, I really wish that at least my mom could have told me that I was not fat at the time so, I would not have had continued being depressed and instead, could have maintained my 70kg weight at the time and I would not have added extra 30 kg in the past few years. My weight could have stayed an ideal of 70kg. It was perfect for my height of 172cm.

I would be lying if I say; " I don't regret what I've done of myself."
The truth is, I regret to my heart's core. I want to start over... it will take time but I want to start over.
I've been planning diets and exercise schedules but never been able to deliver. I am the laziest person you can ever meet. However, in so many years today was the first time I heard anyone of my family saying that I was thin before... I wish they had told me earlier so that I wouldn't have to be where I am today but... it's too late for that. On top of that, I just want to say; I am a person whom accepts death but, I am not a person whom wants to accept any kind of sicknesses except flu/ cough/ fever (all the regulars). I do not want to be a candidate for diabetes or cardiovascular disease. So... before it's too late I want to finally really really change.

Also, I want to say; ' next time anyone of you tell someone or hear someone tell someone that they are fat, please help them positively... not everyone are as optimistic as you aspect them to be... some are very sensitive and a remark like that could have much worse consequences.'