Looking back into my childhood

Well, don't assume that I'm super old just by reading the title fellow readers. I'm just a twenty year old girl with some issues during her childhood and still do actually. I want to keep learning so, I keep making mistakes until there is no more mistake that I need to do.

Anyways, lets not waste any time and get straight to the point. I was thinking for hours about what to write in order to update my blog and since it has been quite awhile that I wrote something, I want to give something really nice for your brain to chew (don't worry I won't make you think much). I was chatting for a couple of hours with a friend online about some 'things' and as the conversation ended, I realized that I still didn't have anything in mind that I want to write about. Then I remembered my days in school and why am I the way I am today.

I was not a happy kid. I was a kid who pretended to be happy. I was a kid who pretended that everything was going to be okay if you just keep hoping and keep having faith in that hope. I was a kid that kept pretending to understand the adults. I was a kid who pretended it was totally cool if my parents did not make it on sports day to watch me be the mascot or support my participation. I was the kid who supported others when I myself needed the most support. I was the kid who had no other voice speaking up for me and no other ears to listen to my voice. I am not an orphan but, I felt so sometimes. I had ignored many negative voices in my head. I had ignored many situations to keep myself safe from being hurt. I had cried myself to sleep for most of the nights. I was made to feel useless and my self-esteem was constantly attacked by those around me. I was made to feel guilty even if I did no mistakes.

I had trust people and had allowed them to hurt me that I dare not trust anyone anymore. Most of the time, I just respect people. I do not trust them. These people, they just want me to be their listener. I should always understand them you see; because they are too perfect to need to understand others. They are never wrong (so they think). They say that I need to understand them. They say that I need to change. They say that I am not listening. They say that I am too stubborn. They say that I don't talk to them. They say that I am too secretive. They say that I am too influenced by my friends (those they are not fond of). Well, they should try their own advice first before giving it to someone else I'd say. I do talk but, they don't listen, they just hear. To listen and to hear is two different thing people!

My point is, if you have children please learn to accept their flaws. They might not meet up to your expectations but, it doesn't mean  that they don't deserve your attention and support. Yes, it is important for your children to know that you have a certain problem especially when it is a financial one. Letting your children know a little something about your troubles develops a sense of responsibility in themselves. They become much independent sometimes and know that things don't always come easy in life. Teach them to learn from failures because IT WILL make them stronger.

The most embarrassing moment in my life???

I had come across this question a few times before and I still do not know the answer to it. I do not know how an embarrassment should make me feel because, I am a sensitive person and I do take embarrassing moments extremely emotional. Sometimes, I become very depressed too. So yeah...

Anyway, I think I have one up my sleeve right now that I can share...

I think I was around 15 years old at the time. I was waiting for my dad to come pick me up from school. As I was waiting for my dad, I saw my brothers' old schoolmate waiting at the same spot too. They were just 5 steps away. At the time, I did not realize or even knew that those two boys had a sister who was studying at my school ( I study in an all girls school). I did want to strike up a conversation because I do know them but, I was shy. Then I saw them trying to get their message through 'sign language'(not the proper one; it was more of body language), using their hand movements and lips movements. Stupidly, I assumed that they were addressing it to me and I replied to them loudly (I should have minded my own business...). I actually thought that they were asking where were my brothers. A while later, I realize that they were not looking at me. They were looking over me. Their sister was sitting right behind me (about two steps away) and I did not realize.

However, when I did realize, I tried to cover up by looking over the boys. I shall tell you, it was not that... embarrassing when I realize that they were not talking to me. What came later is much embarrassing than that. I saw my discipline teacher sitting at table a feet away, watching me the whole time. In my head, I imagined to lock myself in a cupboard and never come out ever again. I swear I saw that woman holding back her laughter. IT WAS SO... EMBARRASSING!!!