Looking back into my childhood

Well, don't assume that I'm super old just by reading the title fellow readers. I'm just a twenty year old girl with some issues during her childhood and still do actually. I want to keep learning so, I keep making mistakes until there is no more mistake that I need to do.

Anyways, lets not waste any time and get straight to the point. I was thinking for hours about what to write in order to update my blog and since it has been quite awhile that I wrote something, I want to give something really nice for your brain to chew (don't worry I won't make you think much). I was chatting for a couple of hours with a friend online about some 'things' and as the conversation ended, I realized that I still didn't have anything in mind that I want to write about. Then I remembered my days in school and why am I the way I am today.

I was not a happy kid. I was a kid who pretended to be happy. I was a kid who pretended that everything was going to be okay if you just keep hoping and keep having faith in that hope. I was a kid that kept pretending to understand the adults. I was a kid who pretended it was totally cool if my parents did not make it on sports day to watch me be the mascot or support my participation. I was the kid who supported others when I myself needed the most support. I was the kid who had no other voice speaking up for me and no other ears to listen to my voice. I am not an orphan but, I felt so sometimes. I had ignored many negative voices in my head. I had ignored many situations to keep myself safe from being hurt. I had cried myself to sleep for most of the nights. I was made to feel useless and my self-esteem was constantly attacked by those around me. I was made to feel guilty even if I did no mistakes.

I had trust people and had allowed them to hurt me that I dare not trust anyone anymore. Most of the time, I just respect people. I do not trust them. These people, they just want me to be their listener. I should always understand them you see; because they are too perfect to need to understand others. They are never wrong (so they think). They say that I need to understand them. They say that I need to change. They say that I am not listening. They say that I am too stubborn. They say that I don't talk to them. They say that I am too secretive. They say that I am too influenced by my friends (those they are not fond of). Well, they should try their own advice first before giving it to someone else I'd say. I do talk but, they don't listen, they just hear. To listen and to hear is two different thing people!

My point is, if you have children please learn to accept their flaws. They might not meet up to your expectations but, it doesn't mean  that they don't deserve your attention and support. Yes, it is important for your children to know that you have a certain problem especially when it is a financial one. Letting your children know a little something about your troubles develops a sense of responsibility in themselves. They become much independent sometimes and know that things don't always come easy in life. Teach them to learn from failures because IT WILL make them stronger.

The most embarrassing moment in my life???

I had come across this question a few times before and I still do not know the answer to it. I do not know how an embarrassment should make me feel because, I am a sensitive person and I do take embarrassing moments extremely emotional. Sometimes, I become very depressed too. So yeah...

Anyway, I think I have one up my sleeve right now that I can share...

I think I was around 15 years old at the time. I was waiting for my dad to come pick me up from school. As I was waiting for my dad, I saw my brothers' old schoolmate waiting at the same spot too. They were just 5 steps away. At the time, I did not realize or even knew that those two boys had a sister who was studying at my school ( I study in an all girls school). I did want to strike up a conversation because I do know them but, I was shy. Then I saw them trying to get their message through 'sign language'(not the proper one; it was more of body language), using their hand movements and lips movements. Stupidly, I assumed that they were addressing it to me and I replied to them loudly (I should have minded my own business...). I actually thought that they were asking where were my brothers. A while later, I realize that they were not looking at me. They were looking over me. Their sister was sitting right behind me (about two steps away) and I did not realize.

However, when I did realize, I tried to cover up by looking over the boys. I shall tell you, it was not that... embarrassing when I realize that they were not talking to me. What came later is much embarrassing than that. I saw my discipline teacher sitting at table a feet away, watching me the whole time. In my head, I imagined to lock myself in a cupboard and never come out ever again. I swear I saw that woman holding back her laughter. IT WAS SO... EMBARRASSING!!!

How to live?

This question has no specific answer to it. However, we keep asking this question to many people. How do I live? What is the meaning of life?

The answer varies for every different individual whom go through life differently everyday. One individual cannot live too many lives of other individuals. Still, for the same question every individual never stopped seeking for the answer. We would either know the individual or might not know the individual. My definition of life is trust.

Without trust, you won’t be able to live. Everyday, you would wake up and worry which bastard would stab you in the back. Which of those whom you love would leave you? Which person in your life that you trust so much would shatter your trust? You would go through everyday with fear in your eyes and doubts in your mind. You might even end up not trusting yourself. You will start asking questions to yourself;

Am I a bad person?

Am I not worth it?

Do I not deserve someone special in my life?

 Should I not trust anyone anymore?

Should I move far away?

Should I still be alive?

What’s the point of living when I can’t live my own life?

What’s the point of giving advice when I myself cannot follow my own advice?

Why is it that I should listen to those around me when they don’t even hear me out?

What’s the point of being alive?

Who am I living for?

What is my purpose of living?

Can I get one good reason that I should be alive?

Do I have a reason to live?

How do I live?

When you start asking all these questions, stand up from your seat. Put away what you’re doing. Leave that cigarette. Leave that bottle of whiskey on the table or what ever type of alcohol you have in your hand. Wipe away your tears. Put a smile on your face.

It’s not because I am going to help you find your answer. I am not God. I can’t give you your answer. You got to find the answers on you own. However, I can tell you one thing for sure. Pull up your socks. Get ready for your new adventure. Don’t worry, this adventure is not expensive. It is priceless and only you can travel it. You don’t have to pack your bag. You don’t even need to throw away your old stuff. Well, not until you are ready that is. Unless you are someone whom has lost someone special, you don’t have to throw anything away. Maybe you might have to get rid of some bad habits that you have acquired during the miserable days of your life but, not your belongings unless, you want to.

Talking about losing someone... well, honey... if you have lost someone really important, many might have told you to let go. Look, letting go is a choice of yes or no. Seriously speaking, you don’t really have to let go. It is all about acceptance. The acceptance, that the person is no more in your life. You don’t have to forget about the person. You don’t have to delete the person too. If the person has hurt you, learn to forgive. If the person has wounded you, learn to forget. It is easy to say, ‘just move on’. It is hard to actually put it into action. Even to forgive and forget, its definition varies for each individual. You don’t have to be like everybody. Do it according to your own comfort. No one is forcing you. No one is forcing you to breathe. No one is pressing a pillow against your face. Just take a deep breath and decide on what you really want to feel.

Well, that’s for those whom have lost someone. I am going all the way back to where I asked you to put a smile on your face. See, I didn’t ask you to put a smile on your face and hypocritically tell you that everything is going to be okay. I asked you to put a smile on your face because; you still have time ahead of you. You can still make it in time to make a difference in your life. When I say make a difference, I didn’t mean make a huge donation. I meant, make a difference in YOUR LIFE. Seriously, what’s your point of helping others live when you can’t live your own life? It might give you some kind of satisfaction but, the satisfaction would just be for a short while and, what about later? Are you going to keep donating until you go totally bankrupt? Better give me the donation then...

Honey, it’s okay to not be able to trust anyone. You are not alone. Many of us don’t trust the people around us. Only some whom are daring enough to admit that they don’t trust anyone. When you accept that truth about yourself, honey, you should be proud of yourself because, at that moment, you are finally breathing for yourself. You finally found the right door to come out. You won’t know how it happens but, you’ll definitely feel how light your chest would get.

Hey, I said that you’d go trough a new adventure. I didn’t say I would guide you through it. Baby, this is something you should do on your own. Don’t depend on anyone but yourself. This is your life now and it is up to you on how you want to start it because, when you start, there is no end to it. It is forever. You will have to find those answers on your own; you will have to go through a lot of pain in order to find the answers for your questions; you will need to do it alone; you will need to depend on no one else but yourself. And, I’ll tell you one thing for sure; you will be proud of yourself and it will be worth it. Just be careful on how you are going to start your journey okay... You have been listening to all those unnecessary people all your life right? Now, listen to your world. Listen to the universe. Communicate with them. 

Early Marriages

This is another assignment of mine that I submitted for one of my subjects in college... =)
So, here you go...

Early Marriages

Most of the time, early marriages are related to child marriages. However, this time I would like to relate early marriages to adults whom range from the age of 17 to 25 and not children. As fact, we all have known that child marriages are unacceptable and irrational and there are many articles about it on the internet that you can immediately get to in a second. In contrast, early adult marriages are not discussed as much as child marriages while many know that the situation is almost equally harmful. To note, most of the time women have always been the victims of these marriages. In today’s world, most women are educated and so are the men however, why do we encounter subjects such as divorce, cheating spouses, suicide, abortion and baby dumping? Have any of us actually thought about this? That is why I am incorporation certain points in the coming paragraphs.

The main cause for such incident to take place comes from root. By root I mean, the family. Specifically I mean the elders in the family. Young adults are very vulnerable to emotional blackmails from their family members although they are the most stubborn creatures. They are aware of their responsibilities towards their family and they know if their family’s decisions are right or wrong. However, when it comes to emotional blackmail, all logics are thrown out the window and the only matter that would be taken into count is the happiness of their elders. The elders in most families are not to be said uneducated although there are some whom are uneducated or whom are lack of education. Well, the matter is that they are not up to date with the current world. They are still stuck with their own old mentalities and old principles which many of us know that not all are applicable in the current world. On top of that, many elders have the misconception that early marriage could lead to early pregnancies that could lead to having more grandchildren. Young adults automatically become victims of their elders’ needs.

The effect that would come of this irrational decision could lead to young adults ending up in divorce cases. The reason to this is that, young adults whom are forced into early marriages are stuck in a stressful situation of not accepting their spouses for who they are. Sometimes, too many differences of each other’s personality and characteristics could lead to emotional frustration as they are constantly fighting within themselves. Young adults whom are married when they are at the age range of 21-25 will have financial problems as they did not have the time to develop their career. If one cannot support himself, how can he be able to support a family? Taking a woman into account, if she is married of to a man of doesn’t matter what age he is, or how financially stable he is or even how settled he is, the woman will still suffer in the future if any kind of problem comes up. This is because the woman will be very dependant on the man for all kind of support. On top of that, being married off at a very young age, might have caused the woman to give up on her own hopes and dreams as of now, she has been forced to take the responsibility of a wife. It costs more if the woman does not have a higher education for her to be able to support herself which will cause her to be totally dependant on the man she’s married to and put up with much critical troubles in the future. Especially, if she has children or experience domestic abuse.

Furthermore, early marriage between young adults could also lead them to cheat on their spouses. Having been forced to get married is not a mild issue. It involves emotion. Women are well known to be emotional. Men, on the other hand are equally the same but, we can’t see it because, they don’t express themselves like women do. Women are known to be vulnerable so, when a woman cries it is very casual. It is not a new matter. It is bound to happen. In contrast, when a man cries, it is weird. This is actually a general point of view because, men are always known as the stronger gender. Men are known to be stone hearted. However, we always overlook the fact that, both men and women are just normal human beings and, human beings have emotions and God never restricted any of his children from expressing themselves. Getting married at a very young age and against self will, young couples will go through misunderstandings as they can’t accept the marriage whole heartedly to surrender himself/herself to the person he/she is married to entirely because of his/her guilty conscience. Therefore, there will be lack of communication, lack of physical and emotional attachment towards their spouses. This would lead them to find for happiness outside their marriage. Miscommunication would lead to the lack of attention towards each others’ emotional and physical needs and this does not just include men but, it also includes women as well. In the current world, this has become very normal especially among young married couples.

Therefore, young adults whom are forced into early marriages should learn to communicate with their elders and try to make them understand that it takes time for both individuals to be sure that they are ready to be married as well as ready to start a family. Young adults should learn to speak for themselves and realize, it’s their life that they are putting at risk and others’. They should realize that they are the ones that are going to be living together against their own will and not their elders. Marriage is a sacred foundation of starting a new honest life with two willing hearts and, not the foundation that should be started with compromise and lies. They should keep this in mind. 

Q8-9 - TLT Assignment

Q8: From the reading and discussion, what in your opinion is language planning?

Q9: And why do you think language planning is needed?

            In my opinion, language planning is proving that a country is developing. When a country develops, the people in the country should develop cognitively as well. It is not logical if the country moves forward and the people don’t. It should work hand in hand. Language planning in a country shows the world outside the country that, it is catching up with all the other developments in the present. It also allows purposeful communications to occur between the people of our country and people of other countries. It allows easy exchange of information as well as knowledge. The best part of all these is that, people can understand other people easily as well as avoid misunderstanding to occur. Language planning also allows people to be less stereotypical. Changes that occur in today’s world also cause changes in attitudes of people. Having language planning system in a country, allows everyone to see each other as equal.

Q7- TLT Assignment

Q7: Bahasa Melayu is taken as our National language so that it stands as a symbol of our unity; a language that unite the multiracial Malaysians as well as representing the nation.

i)                    What will the impact be on our national language?

ii)                  What are our efforts to help our own language?

See, this is why I keep stressing that the English language should not be looked upon as a threat to the national language. Even if it is seen as one, we should always be aware that, the survival of the national language relies on the loyalty of its people to make sure that their language is not dead. Why not implement that all of those whom want to apply for any government scholarships or jobs be competent in the language through paper and through verbal practices. We have to realise that, we play an important role in the survival of the language. If our people ignore this fact, then I am sorry to say the situation is not that of language killing another language. It is people killing their own language. Like it or not, this is the truth.

Q6- TLT Assignment

Q6: What are other items which come together with a language?

            Most people easily relate the English language to the western/European culture/way of living. The thing is, is doesn’t have to be that way. We Malaysians are famously known for our culture and multiethnic way of living. Why not bring that back? The world use to know us in a way that no matter how established we are, we hold on to our roots. Why not bring that back. Yes, our young generations are very much exposed and influenced by foreign cultures as well as materials and no matter how much we try it won’t stop getting to them. So, why not try a totally new approach to handle the matter. First of all, everything has to come from the family. The way they are brought up, family values, religious values, so on and so fort. There are multiple ways that we can handle the issue, its just that we confine ourselves in something and not letting ourselves out there to be open to suggestions. Every other country has its influence in Malaysian society but, does our society have any influence on any of the other? Nope, I don’t think we’ll ever get an answer. If we do get answer, it would be an unbearable truth and might raise political or racial issues.

Q5- TLT Assignment

Q5: Do you support the government’s implementation of learning Mathematics and Science in English? Why?

            Yes, I do support the government’s implementation of learning Mathematics and Science in English. Honestly, I think this is one decision that the government did right. If you ask me why do I think it’s the right decision that they have made so far? I would say; ‘because it will benefit the country.’ Every story takes time to reach its success. According to what I feel as a student, if they would have given some more time, they could have seen improving results.

            We Malaysian always have tons of reason for why we should not do things but, can’t come up with one of why we should and even we do come up with one, it is always arguable. Why is that? When it was implemented that Maths and Science was to be taught in English, it gave our students hope that; ‘yes, we are going somewhere together and not alone. We are trying to succeed together and not alone.’ Like I said earlier, let not the country succeed alone but, to succeed with its people. Well, students might not realize it consciously but, subconsciously they know there is a hope.

            There were matters involving students from rural areas not being able to cope with the changes due to limited references, lack of teachers, insufficient supports and the struggle of learning the core subjects in English but, in every success stories there are challenges. People see these problems separately and that is why it seems like it’s too much to handle. Let’s see this problem as one shall we? In one word all the problem can be put into one word which is; challenge.  Yes implementing a second language into the curriculum is by itself a challenge. See, common sense will tell you that every success will take its own phase of time to be achieved. It was just a matter of time that we were about to see real results but, we backed off early.

            The failure was blamed on several factors of the challenge. Firstly, it was due to limited references available in the rural areas. References limited or not, does not mean that they are unavailable. References are available but they are not used up to their full potential and to my understanding, references can be recycled for future use. If you want to relate the limitation of references to the limitation of IT available in the rural areas, still I’d say; ‘although it is limited, it does not mean that it is unavailable!’This leads me to the next factor which is the lack of teachers, now this is one of the most annoying reasons of all time. See, our country does not lack of teachers at all, it lacks of quality teachers.

 All our teachers are qualified to teach but, they don’t put much effort into teaching. As beginner teachers, they might have the enthusiasm but, in time that enthusiasm fades. Society has this stereotypical mind set that a teacher’s job is really easy. What they don’t know is that like other jobs, being a teacher has its risks as well. See, like all other profession the teaching profession has its own principles. Teachers are bound to teach according to the specific curriculum that has been set by the Education Ministry. However, we should understand that every learner has his/her own way of learning. On top of that, even in a small organization such as school has its politics. Language teachers especially, have to be able to use whatever resources they have in that rural area to make the lessons in the classrooms to be purposeful. Therefore, instead of saying that we lack of teachers to teach in the rural areas, it’s better to make some improvements for them to be much useful. Teach teachers to make everything they’ve got useful.

This brings us to the next point; ‘insufficient support’. This factor refers to two types of support; one’s financial support and the other is the support from the society. Financial wise, I would say we can manage. We think that our government can’t do much but, the truth is, they can. We pay many types of taxes in our country. Tolls are everywhere along the high way and people are travelling everyday sometimes their trips are more than once. I’d say, we out government can manage their financial well; we wouldn’t have any kind of financial problem to provide for the education of the people in the rural areas. It is possible for our government to provide financial support for those from the rural areas. Not only that, our government have to have to decide and prioritize. Taking steps, one at a time could help to solve the issue.

The other issue about the support from the society is that, people from the rural areas are easy to manipulate. When people from higher authority tell them that the English Language jeopardise the stand of the national language, they believe it. Higher authorities constantly confuse them and take advantage of their trust. What I believe that should be done is that, instead of threatening them that the English causes jeopardy to the national language, why not inform them why the English language is important for them to learn in order for them to have a secure future. Our government officials have to stop mixing politics and education. Only then, they can come up with a secure and healthy education plan for the country.

On top of that, the last factor that worries everybody is the difficulties that students face in learning the core subjects especially maths and science in English. Not only do the students face these difficulties, even teachers are facing difficulties teaching these subjects in English as they have been teaching in Bahasa for a very long time. However, this does not mean they should give up on it. The main reason why the government implemented that maths and science being taught in English is so that, students have more reason to communicate and learn the language quicker as well as help them think using the language. I repeat again, that this does not mean that the implementation of the language is to jeopardise the status of the national language. People should realise that, most scientific terms are of the English language which makes it easier for our learners to step into the grounds of higher educations as the syllabus in higher education systems are in English.

Q4 - TLT Assignment

Q4: Who exactly need the language most?

            I can actually name a few for this question but, I’d round it all up and say; ‘everyone in this country need the language.’ I don’t favour that only specific group of people should need the language. I think everybody should need it. They method here should be; ‘nobody gets left behind,’ not ‘I win, you lose.’ What is wrong if a cobbler can speak English? The language won’t be tainted would it? A cobbler in America and England can speak English. Even a Scottish cobbler with the weirdest accent can speak English why not a Malaysian cobbler? Why the grading system?

            Everyone needs the knowledge of this language. Only then, can this country really move forward not only by itself but, with its people. I think, this is why politicians and normal people somehow have conflicts one way or another. It’s because, in our society there is a grading system. A judging system of who belong to which group of people. Generally, everyone see that those who communicate in English are very bright and sophisticated people. Can you see the double standards? Do you want to know why double standards exist in our society? It’s because we created it. We fed it. To speak up the truth, our national language is not dying. We are killing it. We are asked to learn the English language. However, we used it as a weapon to kill another language. Language should be taught as knowledge and, knowledge should be respected. Like people, every language has its colour and kind. Language does not belong to a particular group or party. It does not have an owner. Everybody is entitled to learn any kind of language without restriction. They are entitled to learn it with passion for knowledge. Language should not be mistaken as a tool to improve ones status. So, if you ask me; ‘who needs the language most?’ I will always say; ‘EVERYBODY needs it.’ No more, no less.

Q3 - TLT Assignment

Q3: Why do we need English?

            Like I have said earlier, English is essential. Before civilization, a human only basic need for survival was food, shelter and water. However now, during an improving civilization and growth of technology communication has become one of the most important skills of survival. Yesterday humans hunt for food in the jungles and rivers. Today humans can hunt for food in supermarkets by purchasing them using green papers with inked values on them which we call; money. Get the comparison? All I am indicating is that, our world today is moving really fast and probably ahead of time.

            Where am I getting to with all of this? Well, simply said, communication is the one way that shows that humans are civilized. However, why is it that English is much important than any other languages? What is so special about English? In my opinion, I assume that it’s because, most countries around the world were colonized by the British during the early years before WWI. Therefore, the traces of the language have been left behind some how allowing it to be possible for almost anyone to pick up the language. However, we cannot expect everyone to be as fluent as the native speakers because, everybody is from somewhere, and that somewhere has its culture and its own accent which everyone will carry with them in their tongue.

            Coming straight to the point, we need English because it is the one language that people worldwide can understand. You can go anywhere from Malaysia and still be able to survive if you can communicate fluently in English. Knowing to speak English is also a requirement for employers to hire employees nowadays. The English language is also known as the professional language as it is widely used for formal businesses, political and economical matters. It is a professional language. Malaysia is a multiracial country and not all of its citizen mother tongue is the Bahasa Melayu language which causes the issue of the national language still hanging and highly sensitive. I am not arguing on which language should be our national language. In fact, I care less about it. Language is art, not a political tool. The English language is mainly important for our purpose of surviving in the outside world. It is essential for the growth of the country. The mastery of the language shows how our people are growing as well. To accept and learn the language does not mean to abandon the national language. To accept and learn the language shows that our people are mature and can handle much more than what we already have in hand. We are up to the challenge.

Q2 - TLT Assignment

Q2: Recall a situation where English was seen as prestigious?

            Well, I can’t recall any moment in the country’s history when English was seen prestigious but, what I can recall is the time I can remember that the language was prestigious. I can’t say that the time frame I would be giving is overly accurate. Therefore, I hope that the information that I am about to give can be bared.

             As written in the history books that I have been forced to study during my schooling years, I realize that during the British colonial years in Malaya, English is seen as a very prestigious language. It was known to be the language of those whom hold a political position in the government during those times. It was to make the communication between the British and the Malayan government easier. All of those whom want to hold a staff position in the government sectors must know the language and enrol in English speaking schools during the time. There was even a time when we had schools based on the language that the curriculum was taught in. There were English schools, Malay schools, Tamil schools and Chinese schools. Each of these schools have their curriculum taught in their favoured language as those whom join the schools at the time are of those people which their mother tongue is of that particular language. Probably because it makes it easier for them to learn and the communication is easier as it could be understood by their respective learners.

            The other time that I remember that the language was popular and is at its most prestigious stage was when the Education Ministry decided to change the whole syllabus into English except the Bahasa Melayu/Malaysia. It was the one time that the English Language was at its peak moment and was obvious to everyone across the country. It was at these moments that all citizens realized that the language was essential for the future generations to have a better future. Math and Science – including physics, biology and chemistry – were taught in English. During the early years of these implementation, there were students whom faced problem of learning these subjects in English but, later on they became accustomed to the system. Students were actually starting to understand everything that’s taught in English although not very successfully but, there were improvement.

However, the change of curriculum from Bahasa to English had caused certain parties to be unsatisfied. It was argued that the implementation of such way might cause the depletion of the national language. It is argued that the implementation might cause the national language to be a dead language as everyone find the English language to be overly essential for the world today. It was argued that, ‘if a country such as Japan which is successful can stand by their national language why can’t a country such as ours stand by our national language despite of how important the English language is to the world.’ I do not have any comments on the statement. However, I would suggest that these parties not be too stereotypical. Learning the English language does not mean to kill the other languages. The survival of the national language is in the hands of its own people and we are its people. As much as the national language depends on us for its survival, we depend also on the English language to survive not only in the country but, outside the country as well.

Q1 - TLT Assignment

Q1: In your opinion, what is the status of English Language in Malaysia?

            In my opinion the status of the English language is improving from time to time. The usage of the English language has become very important as the growth of private economical sectors in Malaysia is increasing. On top of that, English is widely spoken by most Indians and Chinese residents in Malaysia. However even the locals (Malays) are becoming fluent – especially those whom are from the urban areas – using the language.

            Over the years, English has become a very demanding language all over the world. In fact, the English language is known also as the international language. Everyone in the world is picking up the language. In Malaysia none the less, the language has been given a lot of attention too. Education wise, all English language teachers in Malaysia have been constantly improving their teaching methods, techniques and approach to make sure that all students can speak, listen, read, write and understand the language fluently as well as accurately. However, I would remind that the latest method that is famously used by all teachers is the CLT (Communicative Language Teaching) method. This method focuses more on fluency than it focuses on accuracy. Many believe that students would catch up on the language much quickly and understand how to use the language accurately by communicating the language. However, this statement is arguable.

            The status of the English language in Malaysia as said earlier is improving in time and I would say that eventually all Malaysian will be fluent and accurate in using the language as all our educators are improving themselves as well. Not only are our educators are improving, our citizens have grown aware of the importance of the language as well. Parents especially have been intense about the usage of the language. Most parents from the urban areas and are of sophisticated lifestyle are training their children to speak the language from a very young age. Some of those children’s first language believe or not is English and even their mother tongue becomes their second language and not their first language. Therefore, I would say, we wait and watch the changes that bring in the form of language in our country.

Announcement =)

Well, I am currently working on an assignment given to me by my lecturer related to the importance of the English language and some bunch of other stuff. I was writing and writing and writing and, I figured, why not post it up here on my blog? I think it's really good and maybe it could help some of you out there in some sort of way; information wise or knowledge wise. I would be posting it either this Friday or Saturday. So, I hope you guys would like it. There are nine questions that I had to answer in essay form for this assignment, and It is more than just five pages long. However, I think I would upload it question by question to make it easier for you guys.

Peace... I'm out.

Good night.

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Loneliness

Loneliness...

They say is to be feared.

Loneliness...

They say is sad.

Why?

I wonder;

Because I feel it is my best companion.

It expects nothing from me 

And nor do I.

It offers me it's time 

It offers me peace.

It does not interrupt me

It does not need my commitment.

And I enjoy its companionship.

Loneliness...

Does not scare me.

Pain...

Is what I fear the most,

People is what I fear most,

Losing them is what I fear most,

Letting go is what I fear most.

They say loneliness causes pain but, 

I would say pain causes loneliness.

I have learnt to be a friends with my loneliness.

I have learnt to be happy with my loneliness.

Now, 

I fear if someone might take away my friend.

I fear if I have to change they way we are.

I fear that it would be the same when I leave and return again.

Would I be happy with my loneliness when I bring pain along?

I wonder...

Total Lost... Total Gonner!

Well, I was downloading all three seasons of GLEE in 48hours non-stop using my laptop and it crashed! Guess what happen? All of the three seasons gone. On top of all that, my whole two years of writing and work all gone with it. My poems which I have neatly formed in a manuscript also gone. It was devastating! However, I take it that I should start over. It was my mistake and I should learn from it. Therefore, lesson learnt. I really don't know how else to say it. I am just speechless...

Poems

Well, just a short announcement...
I will be posting almost all the poems that I have up in my sleeves so, just keep track okay... =)

To My Dearest You

My dear, for years I have

Given my heart to you.

I decided that, there

Will only be you and no one else.

No one apart from you

Shall I ever dream of.

I would live everyday

Just to own your gaze.

It didn’t matter to me

Of how my day would end;

As the presence of you

Have completed every second.

My dear, you have no clue

Of how much you meant to me.

You have no clue, of what

The absence of you have done to me.

Every breath you take,

Gives me hope to live.

Every step you take,

Leaves a permanent trail.

Even if my world comes to an end,

I will not worry! Because,

I know. Only I know,

That my love for you is ever endless.

But, have you ever realized?

No! you just left me standing

All on my own, without a clue

Of what has changed between us.

Then, I realized something,

An awkward feeling in my chest.

The feeling grew and grew dashingly

That my eyes started to bleed.

I knew then, that

I’ve lost you for good.

My days are just passing by swiftly,

Like a novel only of blank pages.

I cried like a baby, Everyday!

Seeking for the answers, for your actions

And still, I couldn’t believe that

You left me for someone else.

My dear, I promise you that

Even if you’re gone,

You will remain the only one

I will ever love and keep loving.

You’ll be my only universe,

You’ll be my only dream,

You’ll be my only spirit, and

You’ll be my only sole reason to live.

I will forgive you my dear, and

I will try to forget.

It wouldn’t be easy, but

I have to keep moving.

With or without you,

I have to travel my journey.

With or without you,

I have to reach my destination.

I love you,

Always and forever.

I love you,

For as long as time runs.

(Well I wrote this a couple of years ago it had been shared on FB by someone I know for his gf ... I really didn't think he would do that but, he did... this poem is actually written for him anyways...however,  I'm not going to fret about this... I just want to share it to the world now... )

Fit before, Fat now? How?

I had a random conversation with my mom and my brothers and the question about weight came up and I told them, "I've never been thin my entire life and so I don't know how it feels like to be thin."
Then they tell me that, I have been thin before... In my head, I was like; "WTF?!!!! Then why the hell did you call me FAT earlier.. I could have maintained that bloody weight and size...  and could have looked super hot today!"

Look, I am not going to spend my time blaming the whole world for how I look today... it is no use... nothing is going to change. I just want to let something out... that's all.

All my life, throughout my childhood, teen years and even now I've always received comments saying that I am fat, obese and overweight from everybody and especially my family. My self-esteem is as low as it can be and I live my life pretending to be a confident and strong person. When ever I realize that I am pretending, I turn to food for comfort. I pretend like I don't care about how I look or how much I weigh but there are just certain times when reality keep slapping me on my face showing me how much I despise to look at myself in the mirror whenever I go shopping or sit beside girls smaller than me. Reality shows me how much I hate myself for looking the way I look. Now, that was not a nice feeling to carry with me all my life.

Right now, I really wish that at least my mom could have told me that I was not fat at the time so, I would not have had continued being depressed and instead, could have maintained my 70kg weight at the time and I would not have added extra 30 kg in the past few years. My weight could have stayed an ideal of 70kg. It was perfect for my height of 172cm.

I would be lying if I say; " I don't regret what I've done of myself."
The truth is, I regret to my heart's core. I want to start over... it will take time but I want to start over.
I've been planning diets and exercise schedules but never been able to deliver. I am the laziest person you can ever meet. However, in so many years today was the first time I heard anyone of my family saying that I was thin before... I wish they had told me earlier so that I wouldn't have to be where I am today but... it's too late for that. On top of that, I just want to say; I am a person whom accepts death but, I am not a person whom wants to accept any kind of sicknesses except flu/ cough/ fever (all the regulars). I do not want to be a candidate for diabetes or cardiovascular disease. So... before it's too late I want to finally really really change.

Also, I want to say; ' next time anyone of you tell someone or hear someone tell someone that they are fat, please help them positively... not everyone are as optimistic as you aspect them to be... some are very sensitive and a remark like that could have much worse consequences.'

Always on the look out for hilarious memes and interesting links? The best of the Internet's at #ChurpChurp.

Always on the look out for hilarious memes and interesting links? The best of the Internet's at #ChurpChurp.

Guys and girls don't hesitate to share your opinions and thoughts about anything. Share your story! =D

Just One Call

Things wouldn't have been so hard if you didn't decide to disappear from my life all of a sudden. You had all means to have contacted me but you did not. So, I decided that I don't need to hope for you to come around anymore.

I confessed and, you said you were okay with it. I told you that I just want to let you know. I didn't mean to scare you away. I know I am not the prettiest girl in the world but, don't you think I deserve to know why you left me hanging? I do not know of your intentions. I do not know how you see me as. I am sorry if I got it all wrong.

Unfortunately, I fell for you. I kept it in for too long and I needed you to know. I thought of telling you earlier but, you already had someone at the time and I thought I should just stay away. Then, the time seemed all right again when she left you. I've been there day and night to make sure you were fine. Have you not wondered why?

I did not see your time of despair as an opportunity. I wouldn't want to be your rebound either. I knew at the time if I told you that I have feelings for you, you would take it the wrong way and might stay away from me. However, I took the risk of telling you anyway because, I didn't want to loose you anymore. Not to anyone. Thus, as I assumed you did exactly as I thought you would. I wouldn't blame you. I was stupid to have thought that you will still stick around.

Now, all I want to do is to get over you. I don't want to think of you anymore nor have any thoughts of you in my mind and heart. I don't want to care about you or what you do or even with whom you might be with at this very moment. I know we have our differences. I hoped that you would have looked pass all that and try to think of the possibilities. Too bad, guess you never did look pass anything at all.

I was always waiting. Always... Now, I have stopped but, you keep coming back into my life. Why? What more do you want from me? What do you want me to think of it as? If you think what you're doing is 'returning favors,' please don't . I don't need you to return any favors. You don't have to. You have no obligations towards me and nor do I. We have nothing to look forward to. I am tired of fighting with myself, with my feelings and my mind.

You have no idea how deeply have you broken my heart and hurt my feelings. I felt like an idiot waiting for something that will never happen and keep hoping for the impossibles. Now, I don't expect you to come back and make any changes. We are back to square one. We are now, just strangers. All I want from you are answers.

You could have called. You could have messaged me. You could have just stayed in touch. We could have been just friends if you were straight forward at the time. Why didn't you call? Why didn't you leave me a message? Why didn't you stay in touch? It hurts to see you just walk away like that. Why in hell did you leave me hanging?! If I did a mistake, you could have told me.

All those time, I acted like a fool trying to impress you and I end up being one. Did you really not notice or are you just pretending? Why in hell did you lead me on? I didn't want to be your anybody, I just wanted to know if you have or had the feelings that I have for you. I don't expect for your commitment. I just want to know if my feelings were worth anything at all. Yes or No, I would take it. As much as I am afraid to know your answers, I think I am willing to take the risk to be crushed and hurt one last time before I totally let go. I need to let go.

If you really want to return a favor, just give me the answers I need. I don't wish to chat with you or talk to you about this silly matter. Just send me one last message to read and end my misery. I'm too tired already. Let me know what to do with this twisted thing between us? Honestly, I don't know what to think. Should we just stay as strangers, acquaintances or friends? I am totally lost... I am still trying to get over everything.

I've had a crush on you since I was 11 years old. I realized that it was more than just a crush as time grew. So, don't you dare tell me that it's childish. You were never in my place. I know the difference between 'like', 'monkey love', and 'love'. You don't have to give me a lesson on that. I know enough to know what and how I feel.

The reason I told you that I have feelings for you after your first break up was because, I had no other choice but to let it out before someone else start coming around. I know, I don't have any rights to question you of with whom or what you're doing with your life and, I won't. I don't care anymore. I won't. All I want are my answers. So, please. Just give me my answers. I want to be trough with this shit. You don't have to be so subtle on giving me my answers just be true and straight forward. I think I can handle it. If you wish to insult me, go ahead. I've been through worse. I am thick skinned enough to take it all for one last time and be over with it. So, please for once just tell me the truth.

If you know who you are, I hope we can keep this matter between us... I know it is ironic as I posted this on a public blog, not many know that I have a blog and those whom might know this blog do not the author of this blog and if they do, they won't know about you... I am sorry but, please give me my answer...

We Girls

When we girls dream to be with a perfect guy and instead always fall for the wrong guys, don't think we are being stupid. Though we always admit after a broken heart that we have been stupid, the truth is; we have always hoped that the wrong guys we fall for will turn to be our heroes, our MR.Right. Unfortunately, reality always kicks in hard and thus we end up with broken hearts and hopes and nights of tear stained pillows. You know what guys, we are not stupid as we say we are, it's just that our intentions, dreams and hope are too naive to know the truth behind your skin.

We hate it when you treat us like fast food and old t-shirts. However, we always want to be near you and never let you go in the hopes that one day you will come around and make all our fights and hopes worth it. We just want a small magic to happen in our lives. Make us your Cinderella. We just want our prince to save us from dreaming all the time and instead live a dreamy life peacefully and with lots of drama.

We know we can be really dramatic sometimes. We won't be happy about how we look even if you say that we are beautiful. We won't even agree if you say the truth and we always expect you to call first or apologize first when we have a fight. The truth is, we want to know if you will always love us even though we are nervous wreaks.

Guys, we are not perfect so please don't take advantage of our feelings. When we care, we really mean it. When we want you by our side, it doesn't mean we are weaklings. Why we want you by our sides, we never knew the true reason.

A woman can always cope up with life alone if she wants to. Too bad, God created us in such a way that we always long to give our love and dedicate our vulnerable feminine feelings to someone. We never want to make your lives miserable. We are just weird and unpredictable. Our hormones are always crazy. We even call ourselves crazy.

Most of all, when we say that we love you, we always mean it. When we say we have feelings for you, we always cared and even if you are in a relationship with another, we pretend like we don't mind but, truthfully we always want you for ourselves.

The moment we delete you from our facebook friends' list, it doesn't mean we have issues with you. It means we have to try to stop caring about you and move on. We have to stop hoping that anything is ever going to change. Basically, we give up on our hopeless dreams and feelings that never mattered to you. As said by many, one-sided love story is the least to ever succeed.

Love cannot be one-sided can it? Sometimes, we stupidly go against this fact and keep hoping for the universe to help us change the phase. However, reality slaps us on our face and tells us that we are two different people and each with our own destiny and fates. Differences, became a reason for us to stop hoping for something that will never happen.

So, what happen to true love? Isn't our love true enough for you to be the one and only reason for us to leave our destiny and instead share yours? We know that sometimes, when things work out to be in a relationship, somethings can go wrong too and we might blame each other for the unfortunate events that might have took place but, it doesn't mean we want you to leave.

Let us tell you, even if we scream and say that we hate you and want you to leave, we just want you to hold us tight and tell us that you'll never leave and that we'll work things out together...

Truth is, we can never hate you. We might be angry with you but, we'll never hate you. We'll always keep loving you.

If you want to know why some of us totally move on and don't give a shit of how your life turn out to be, it's because we are badly hurt and we don't want to go through it again and thus, we stay away from you and never allow you to come back into our lives ever again... sorry... but, we just can't...

Sleepless Night 8th/7/2012

Well I came back from a tiring event yesterday and went to bed at about 2pm and woke up at 8pm... what happened was that, I took dinner while watching my favorite series "CASTLE" on my laptop. Then, I started doing origami and then I also started doing art (painting to be specific) the whole night. So, here are some of the outcomes of a sleepless night.

Well this is the first that I worked on... 

This is the second painting that I worked on...

This is the third painting that I worked on...

Finally, the fourth painting that I worked on...  (I know that face is a little bit retarded... hahaha...  I still need to work on that )

These are the origami that I worked on before I got carried away with the paintings...

Well, after doing many small origami of the crane, I decided to do it big... ( I kind of got some obsession with the crane shaped origami.)

Well, I am not a professional but, I am happy to share my hobby with you guys... I know I've got lots to improve though... hahaha.... okay, got to sleep now... zzz... (10.04am)

Signing off...

<3

Mistakes I can't forget...

I remember the time when I was studying in Primary school... My life skill teacher instructed us to paint the chairs and table in the 'life skill workshop' there were so much of paint but less paint brush so, my friend and I being brats, we decided to use our bare hands as paint brush and started painting the chairs blue... hahaha... that was fun! Stupidly, we got carried away and the teacher had already put away the 'tinner' (a solution to easily wash away stains of paint) as we call it. By the way, the teacher didn't know that we were doing it with our hands... hahaha... I know it really shows how negligent she was but, I don't want to blame her, for what I did to her was worse and I should and am feeling guilty about it. We didn't clean our hands properly and even our uniforms were stained with blue paint. My friend's father was totally cool about it even though he did kind of lectured her on the way home. My dad on the other hand, got really pissed off and I was really afraid of getting punished by him that I blamed an invisible friend and my teacher for my mistake. Ooops! I told him that all my friends told me that if I did not participate to paint, I would be punished by my teacher. My dad went to meet my teacher and scolded (shouted to be specific) her! Damn! I felt really bad but, I had to save myself at the time. Sorry teacher ( I don't remember her name anymore )

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

Well, these are questions that we might often ask ourselves.
"Why can't I do anything right?"
"Why didn't I think of it earlier?"
" How could I have missed that?"
I am sure that at least 1out of 10 people reading this would understand the situation.

Ever had the one moment when you were in need of an excellent idea but you just couldn't think of it and, when everything is over, you would ponder and tell yourself that you could have done something different and much interesting or better for make the event/moment an unforgettable one?

Well, I am not an expert or a psychologist to tell you about the technical problems that happens in your brain. I can only tell you of what I know from experience and observation.

The main reason why we can't seem to think properly at the time of need is because we are to worried. When we worry too much, we are automatically afraid to take risks. We are also afraid to try new ideas because, we are worried if it will not turn out right.

Worrying about ideas before putting them into action becomes the main reason for a plan or an idea to fail.

At the end, some of us might just give up. Some might drive themselves crazy. Some might drive themselves into depression.

Worrying also causes people to stay away from you as you give off a really uncomfortable aura. People tend to stay away and act really weird around you as you send out negative vibes to them. They working environment becomes really up tight and it makes others feel as though there is no room for air. So, they move away.

Sometimes, people might think that you are complaining or being angry even though you are talking to them in a tone that's considered polite (to you of course).

Worrying also changes your mood. You get tired easily and finally you are socially diagnosed to be stressed.

I remember Bob Marley's song titled "Don't worry, be happy". That song just makes me smile. The lyrics are funny and the music is soothing. The most important phrase in the whole song is; "DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY." I know Bob Marley could have been really high on weeds when he sang the song but, what ever it was, the song definitely turn out right.

It's true what Bob Marley said in his song. Don't worry and just be happy.
You are not homeless,
you have food to eat,
you have clothes to wear,
you have people that you can depend on somehow or rather.

No matter what happens, don't worry and be happy. If there is a way in, there will always be a way out. Sometimes, plans work out and sometimes, they don't. It doesn't mean it's the end of the world. It just means, more opportunities to keep trying out new ideas. I means more opportunities to improve ones self. It means to open up opportunities to test the balance of possible and impossibles.

There is only one cure for being worried and it is;

LAUGHTER!

Just wake up every morning and laugh. If you don't laugh, then just smile. Don't worry, people won't think that you are crazy.

I mean, how crazy can you be when you are already living in this crazy world anyways right?

I mean, the world is already full of weed, drugs and whole of other kind of shit anyways. How bad can it be to wake up and laugh every morning?

Relax. Don't worry and be happy!

Judging a book by its cover

Society plays an important role on how an individual turn out to be.
Society in this case can include - Friends, family and strangers.
Technically, when someone is involved in a negative action, we automatically reply to the action with a negative reaction. We don't question them on why did they involve themselves in the negative action in the first place. We just jump into conclusion that they are bad people. On top of that, we ask others to stay away from them. Indirectly banishing and isolating them from everybody that could have helped them to get out of their misery.
Why judge a person when you don't know their story?
Why don't we question the possibilities?
Why?
An innocent girl could be putting herself in the market tonight, risking her reputation and neglecting her value  for the sake of earning some money for food. Society, would not question on why is she doing so. Instead, they just label her as a whore. A cheap slut. Nobody questions her story and reason of why she is doing so. Men, on the other other hand, support the act by buying her for a night of erotic pleasure. Why can't they stop her? Why didn't they help her? Human trafficking is bad, we all know that. However, those whom support the continuation of it is worse than an animal! Think about it. Why is it that human trafficking a never ending battle? Because, no matter what money still comes in for the those whom supply. Profit is still there. Why? Because, people have been supporting it. It doesn't have to be you or me but, someone out there is still doing it. Why didn't we question of why it did not stop? Most campaigns have their efforts but, they are still hypocritical. Nothing stopped. Why waste money and time on it? Supporting a campaign to stop human trafficking is not enough to stop it. Yes, we have saved many lives but, why hasn't it stopped? Why? Ask yourselves. Why?
When we see a  girl selling herself on the street and we never stopped to ask her what her name is? Why is she doing it? Who made her do it? How to save her? We just walk pass her, labeling her with all kinds of name. When we do save those people, we still exploit them for a good story to be published in a newspaper or even a book. We support the campaigns to stop human trafficking but never once act to stop human trafficking.
Well, leave that a side for a moment and lets investigate on the most common and simplest issue; 'Smoking'. We all know that smoking is bad. However, we can still find products of tobacco being sold almost everywhere. We hypocritically support the non-smoking campaign but, nothing good has ever come out of it.  There are still people out there with a cigarette lit in between their fingers never bothered of what ever kind of campaign is out there to stop people from smoking. For some reason, I prefer smokers than those whom support human trafficking either directly or indirectly. Smokers kill themselves slowly, while those whom support human trafficking take away others' life by owning them for their own pleasure; technically man slaughter. Like it or not, that is the term best fit for them I'd say.
I do not blame everyone. I just want people to stop for a minute and think about it. Why does society constantly judge a book by its cover and hypocritically support campaigns that are merely for the use of publicity?

A dedication to a special friend: Chin Lee Kee @ Chille (R.I.P)

You were as joyful as cricket,
As beautiful as Butterfly;
But I didn't know,
You have a life as short as a butterfly's.

Your smile will always light up the room,
Your voice will remain in our head;
Your steps in our lives are memories to be treasured,
You my friend, are a special girl.

Too bad GOD loves you too much,
To allow you to stay a little bit more longer;
Too jealous of you,
As you are loved more than HIM.

We will Love You,
Treasure You;
And remember you,
You'll always remain our friend.

We love you Chin Lee Kee,
May GOD bless your soul;
May you Rest In Peace,

( Trade Marked by Silent Writer )

Sweet but, Complicated

Those times we shared were special to me,
Those times we spared were worthwhile.
Those times we held each other, I treasure it;
Those times we hung on tight was beautiful.

I miss you, I do.
You brighten my day,
You light up my space,
You are always the one and only.

I wonder if this is love,
I wonder if this feeling is true,
I wonder if I can tell you,
I wonder if I do love you.

Confused, disturbed and lost, and
Have no where to go,
Have no place to run.
I wonder if you are my answer.

I know, you know.
I know you well.
I can read you, and
I can tell.

Don't be a hypocrite,
Be a man!
Say what you know is the truth,
Say what you know is real.

Because, I don't want to cheat myself,
Because, I don't want to cheat you;
I open my heart to the possibilities
Of either rejections or acceptance.

For being the woman I am,
I am proud to say that I've given my heart to one man!
For being the woman I am,
I am blessed that I am able to fall in love.

Now, I know.
Now, I understand.
Now, I belief.
Love strikes only once.

I love you, I confess.
My feelings are pure and,
I know it's true and,
I know it'll last forever.

My heart is given,
My soul for yours,
But, to commit in a relationship,
Is a promise I can't make.

For that, I feel ashamed;
I feel sad.
Because I know,
To be with you is difficult.

Difficult, not because of you but,
Difficult because of me.
Because, I have dreams to achieve and,
Because, I want to dominate my life.

Selfish? I am.
Still, I'm a human.
I want to and will decide,
On how I want my life to be.

Wonder if you will ever understand but,
I am happy to let you know.
I am happy with my life.
I am happy being who I am.

You know, I will always love you.
You know, I am always here.
You know, I'm true.
You know, I meant it well.

Does truths hurt? Or lies just keep us safe?

Like everybody I'm just a regular, normal, most simplest and yet, complicated person. I meet all kinds of people. Sometimes, I have to admit that I have been a hypocrite. Sad but, that's the fact. I have dreams and plans that are visible only to my eyes but, not others. 


They are too busy talking and I've been too busy listening to them. Whenever I want to talk about myself, I have to think ten times before going on. They don't want to hear me talk but, love to when I talk about them. Pathetic isn't it? 


I sometimes feel sorry for them because they all want the truth to be hidden from their eyes. Because, the truth hurts. So, basically our lives are filled with lies because lies don't hurt. 


The only truth that I find to be most valid is the fact that "Lies, keep us safe and truth, no matter what, screws it all up." 


You can keep arguing about this statement but still you'll come back to the same most common conclusion. "THE TRUTH HURTS" and "LIES KEEP US SAFE". 


Only truth can break lies and only lies can keep us from being broken or shall I say; hurt. You think GOD never hid the truth to keep his children safe? or put it another way, don't you think he would hide the truth to keep you safe? 


Think about it... Right now, the real question will be; "Do you want to live a life of lies?"


(This is one of my old posts that I have written and edited.)