I had a random conversation with my mom and my brothers and the question about weight came up and I told them, "I've never been thin my entire life and so I don't know how it feels like to be thin."
Then they tell me that, I have been thin before... In my head, I was like; "WTF?!!!! Then why the hell did you call me FAT earlier.. I could have maintained that bloody weight and size... and could have looked super hot today!"
Look, I am not going to spend my time blaming the whole world for how I look today... it is no use... nothing is going to change. I just want to let something out... that's all.
All my life, throughout my childhood, teen years and even now I've always received comments saying that I am fat, obese and overweight from everybody and especially my family. My self-esteem is as low as it can be and I live my life pretending to be a confident and strong person. When ever I realize that I am pretending, I turn to food for comfort. I pretend like I don't care about how I look or how much I weigh but there are just certain times when reality keep slapping me on my face showing me how much I despise to look at myself in the mirror whenever I go shopping or sit beside girls smaller than me. Reality shows me how much I hate myself for looking the way I look. Now, that was not a nice feeling to carry with me all my life.
Right now, I really wish that at least my mom could have told me that I was not fat at the time so, I would not have had continued being depressed and instead, could have maintained my 70kg weight at the time and I would not have added extra 30 kg in the past few years. My weight could have stayed an ideal of 70kg. It was perfect for my height of 172cm.
I would be lying if I say; " I don't regret what I've done of myself."
The truth is, I regret to my heart's core. I want to start over... it will take time but I want to start over.
I've been planning diets and exercise schedules but never been able to deliver. I am the laziest person you can ever meet. However, in so many years today was the first time I heard anyone of my family saying that I was thin before... I wish they had told me earlier so that I wouldn't have to be where I am today but... it's too late for that. On top of that, I just want to say; I am a person whom accepts death but, I am not a person whom wants to accept any kind of sicknesses except flu/ cough/ fever (all the regulars). I do not want to be a candidate for diabetes or cardiovascular disease. So... before it's too late I want to finally really really change.
Also, I want to say; ' next time anyone of you tell someone or hear someone tell someone that they are fat, please help them positively... not everyone are as optimistic as you aspect them to be... some are very sensitive and a remark like that could have much worse consequences.'
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- Malaysia
- Complicated soul on the journey to self discovery...
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Sunday 5 August 2012
Fit before, Fat now? How?
I had a random conversation with my mom and my brothers and the question about weight came up and I told them, "I've never been thin my entire life and so I don't know how it feels like to be thin."
Then they tell me that, I have been thin before... In my head, I was like; "WTF?!!!! Then why the hell did you call me FAT earlier.. I could have maintained that bloody weight and size... and could have looked super hot today!"
Look, I am not going to spend my time blaming the whole world for how I look today... it is no use... nothing is going to change. I just want to let something out... that's all.
All my life, throughout my childhood, teen years and even now I've always received comments saying that I am fat, obese and overweight from everybody and especially my family. My self-esteem is as low as it can be and I live my life pretending to be a confident and strong person. When ever I realize that I am pretending, I turn to food for comfort. I pretend like I don't care about how I look or how much I weigh but there are just certain times when reality keep slapping me on my face showing me how much I despise to look at myself in the mirror whenever I go shopping or sit beside girls smaller than me. Reality shows me how much I hate myself for looking the way I look. Now, that was not a nice feeling to carry with me all my life.
Right now, I really wish that at least my mom could have told me that I was not fat at the time so, I would not have had continued being depressed and instead, could have maintained my 70kg weight at the time and I would not have added extra 30 kg in the past few years. My weight could have stayed an ideal of 70kg. It was perfect for my height of 172cm.
I would be lying if I say; " I don't regret what I've done of myself."
The truth is, I regret to my heart's core. I want to start over... it will take time but I want to start over.
I've been planning diets and exercise schedules but never been able to deliver. I am the laziest person you can ever meet. However, in so many years today was the first time I heard anyone of my family saying that I was thin before... I wish they had told me earlier so that I wouldn't have to be where I am today but... it's too late for that. On top of that, I just want to say; I am a person whom accepts death but, I am not a person whom wants to accept any kind of sicknesses except flu/ cough/ fever (all the regulars). I do not want to be a candidate for diabetes or cardiovascular disease. So... before it's too late I want to finally really really change.
Also, I want to say; ' next time anyone of you tell someone or hear someone tell someone that they are fat, please help them positively... not everyone are as optimistic as you aspect them to be... some are very sensitive and a remark like that could have much worse consequences.'
Then they tell me that, I have been thin before... In my head, I was like; "WTF?!!!! Then why the hell did you call me FAT earlier.. I could have maintained that bloody weight and size... and could have looked super hot today!"
Look, I am not going to spend my time blaming the whole world for how I look today... it is no use... nothing is going to change. I just want to let something out... that's all.
All my life, throughout my childhood, teen years and even now I've always received comments saying that I am fat, obese and overweight from everybody and especially my family. My self-esteem is as low as it can be and I live my life pretending to be a confident and strong person. When ever I realize that I am pretending, I turn to food for comfort. I pretend like I don't care about how I look or how much I weigh but there are just certain times when reality keep slapping me on my face showing me how much I despise to look at myself in the mirror whenever I go shopping or sit beside girls smaller than me. Reality shows me how much I hate myself for looking the way I look. Now, that was not a nice feeling to carry with me all my life.
Right now, I really wish that at least my mom could have told me that I was not fat at the time so, I would not have had continued being depressed and instead, could have maintained my 70kg weight at the time and I would not have added extra 30 kg in the past few years. My weight could have stayed an ideal of 70kg. It was perfect for my height of 172cm.
I would be lying if I say; " I don't regret what I've done of myself."
The truth is, I regret to my heart's core. I want to start over... it will take time but I want to start over.
I've been planning diets and exercise schedules but never been able to deliver. I am the laziest person you can ever meet. However, in so many years today was the first time I heard anyone of my family saying that I was thin before... I wish they had told me earlier so that I wouldn't have to be where I am today but... it's too late for that. On top of that, I just want to say; I am a person whom accepts death but, I am not a person whom wants to accept any kind of sicknesses except flu/ cough/ fever (all the regulars). I do not want to be a candidate for diabetes or cardiovascular disease. So... before it's too late I want to finally really really change.
Also, I want to say; ' next time anyone of you tell someone or hear someone tell someone that they are fat, please help them positively... not everyone are as optimistic as you aspect them to be... some are very sensitive and a remark like that could have much worse consequences.'
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